Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly

patient: he doesn’t even know my mom

dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth

Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-

[loud crunch noise in back of room]

Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready

Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.

Grant me the supernatural ability to change the things I cannot accept.

Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.

[Me in hospital bed]

My wife: How is he?

Dr: He was dead for 15m

Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist

I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.

“Password is incorrect”

*resets password*

“New password cannot be the same as the old password”

As a kid: the floor is lava

As a parent: the floor is Lego™️

Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.

[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*

[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*

why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?

It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.

hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead

me: wanna hang out?

southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah

me:

Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.

i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real

They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.

“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes

ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–

SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.

ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?

Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.

“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.

Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.

Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.

Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!

5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?

I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.

I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.

It’s your fault.

First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice

My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again

i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me

I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.

There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.