Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.

We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner

“Haha sweet potatoes?”

DON’T

“Don’t what?”

You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun

“I YAM NOT!”

[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself

Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.

Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.

[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family

Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.

“Dude go make the first move on her!”

“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”

*approaches girl*

“Knight to f3”

SQUARREL

United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.

*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*

My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.

[wonka factory in 2018]

Charlie: augustus is drowning

Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all

DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?

VADER: On the dark side.

DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?

VADER: Star bucks.

Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…

After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit

My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?

I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.

Pro tip:

Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.

I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time

At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids

sitting in front of a man and woman on the train who have hit it off and lord, this is better than drugs

I’ve just seen someone in a twitter thread drama respond

‘I’m not reading all that you parcel’

and why are commonplace words used as insults just so fucking funny and so much more devastating than anything else you could spend ten minutes of your life trying to choose

Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.

If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.

I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.

I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.

Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.

Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.

That’s commitment

doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what