The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
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“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
My husband pissed me off again, so I put Miracle Gro in his weed killer.
every youtube essay now is called “the secret, untold history of toothpaste” then proceeds to read off the wikipedia page for toothpaste
Shouldn’t autocorrect be called autoassume?
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
They fired me for telling the patients that the pandemic was caused by the cinema release of “Cats! The Musical,” but none of them could prove me wrong, could they?
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Guessing they were Navy Seals in a past life
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
[abruptly stops speaking in tongues] Oh the exorcism is for ME?
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
there was another, tinier cement truck inside
