Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: You okay?

Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?

[I die and appear in a mysterious place]

me: woah, is this heaven or hell?

guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine

me: must be heaven!

guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique

me: aw hell

Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?

Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.

You should be glad.

Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.

If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads

[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me

Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad

an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.

Beware of the dog..

exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time

Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no

“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.

[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/

Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energy

Reality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy

[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´･ω･)
/　 ⌒ヽ
(人＿＿つ_つ

Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.

When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me

I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.

ㅤ

It must be hard for a vampire to floss their fangs when they can’t see their reflection in a mirror.

I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.

[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*

My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect

Gonna teach myself how to play the bagpipes. Wonder if I should tell the neighbors

There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.

all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second

If it hurts you more than it hurts them then you are holding the taser wrong

Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”

Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent

not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact

Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.