The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
Who called pee urine when it’s clearly holey water?
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
Every time.
the sun is so successful because it has the perfect bedtime and morning routines
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
If an attacker broke into my house and & I was hiding, all they’d have to do is fart.
I’d giggle and give myself away immediately.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
