The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
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Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
I was trying to catch a cricket in the house this morning and was yelling at it, “I know this is scary, but stop struggling I’m trying to help you!” Probably the same thing the universe is always yelling at me.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
HR: Can you explain why your drug test shows incredibly high levels of THC?
Me: Tennessee Hot Chicken? Yeah, I eat that every time I get high.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
At my funeral take the bouquet off my casket and throw it in the crowd to see who next
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
bat life
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.