Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?

Me: No. You always go in the potty

4: I can stop

Me:

Apparently I negotiate with terrorists

*1st date*

“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”

*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*

“Hellooo soulmate”

I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.

Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.

Also me:

When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician

[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re here

me: no

interviewer: very good

“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.

That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.

Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm

Tony the Tiger: great

moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike

moving in: you know what this place could use…

Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.

I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.

I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.

Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?

China has now legalised all gambling on the condition that it doesn’t make any political statement or upset public order.

Congratulations China, you are all now free to bet.

I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.

Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar

So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know

Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.

To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.

Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first

Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.

KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok

judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth

me: yes

judge: who do you like

me: omg dare

I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.

*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*

I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.

KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table

POLICE CAT: for now

If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.

I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.

you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.