@TheTweetOfGod

“The new Star Wars comes out in two years”. (Luke 20:15).

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@robdelaney

9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.

@lydiagreer

Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today

@AbbieEvansXO

Nobody:

Mime:

Mute person:

Fight club member:

Parrot:

Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?

5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.

Me: You’ve never had coffee.

5-year-old: Exactly.

@Matt_The_1st

Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one

@sammyrhodes

Watching Dora with the kids this morning. I wish her parents would just get her an iPhone.

@shutupmikeginn

If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.

@chuuew

ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink

OCTOPUS: Oh hey

@KeetPotato

elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]