the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
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30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
I miss my kids the most when they go to bed and the mosquitoes go after me because they have no other options.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
My daughter wanted this triple chocolate cake and waitress warned me 4 times there was a little chocolate liquer in the icing and she was 12 and I finally said, “It is fine, she isnt driving”
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲