the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
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It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
Lmao
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
I think about this a lot
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
that time you heard your best friend swear in front of his mom
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
I put the I in Insufferable.
