the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
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My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
Always this one for me forever
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
I’m up at 5 am, knocking things off my to do list before half of you are even awake. Get on my level
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.