the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
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[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
Drive like no one is watching.
Like your own tweets baby, no one will know anyway.
I wear a lot of sport bras for someone who gets winded brushing their teeth.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
It’s above my pay grade to try to debate or change minds on social media. If you want to call a fish a squirrel, you’re right. Look at that squirrel swim