Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss

Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.

ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler

If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.

Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.

May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence

No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”

sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior

Got kicked out of Scale Model Club for suggesting we change our name to the Itty Bitty City Committee.

Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers

For pride month you can’t say “let me get this straight…”, you have to say “just so we’re queer…”

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.

some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables

Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.

The Office: Coronavirus

Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this

Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity

Angela wears a hazmat suit

Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine

Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?

All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt

me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003

Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.

So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know

If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.

If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.

HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction

ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told

first responders? you mean reply guys?

HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES

– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries

– find them 3 months later

– look both ways

– slip them into the trash

My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.

DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER

Absolute fiend for dumbass plot devices in fantasy stories. I love it when there’s some stupid magic orb that fixes everything, you just need to find it.
“The kingdom is in peril! Champion, you must find the Cube of Fix Precisely This Specific Problem.”
I will snort it like snow.

COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think

So proud of my daughter for getting the lead role in The Tempest. Today’s performances will be during homework and bedtime.