Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband pissed me off again, so I put Miracle Gro in his weed killer.

boss: what are u doing

me: *pretends to read email*

boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”

The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN

therapist: what’s your earliest memory?

me: crying for my mom

therapist: so around what, five?

me: nine this morning

“Choose password”
> 123bob

“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones

“OK”

Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.

[Mcdonald’s]

DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids

WIFE: we have 10 kids

DARWIN: I know

I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar

[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife

I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.

If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.

Egregious Outerwear Lies

Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive

“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon

[invention of baseball]

Guy: I’ll throw the ball

Me: and I catch it

Guy: no hit it with a stick

Me: then what?

Guy: someone else will try to catch it

Me: what if I miss?

Guy: someone else will try to catch it

Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad

What makes us human?

Selecting all images with traffic lights

When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.

[leaving for vacation]

Me: Do we have everything?

Kids: Yes!

Me: Let’s go!

[5 min up road]

Son: Dad, where’s mommy?

Me: *makes u-turn*

I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”

When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually

My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.

I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.

Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work

BECOME UNGOVERNABLE

I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.

[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom

HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here

me: it’s weird there are so many stoners in high school now. the whole time I was in high school, I never even saw a beer, and no one did drugs

my children:

me:

my children: mom, we don’t know how to tell you this, but they did, you were just a nerd and they didn’t tell you

[Biker gang initiation]

Hey fellas, do I use baseball or hockey cards in my spokes

I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.

if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers