Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Me: ha nice try

I: excuse me?

M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.

Me: [raises hand to hail cab]

*Catches random touchdown pass

To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…

Somebody has to say it.

GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.

Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.

There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.

“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.

To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.

Make me an entire website @funTweeters!

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?

*During sex*

Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.

I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.

Coworker: Pass your random drug test?

Me: With flying colors!

CW: Really?

Me. So many colors!

CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?

Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.

Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.

My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries

neighborhood watch

the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product

My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.

Saint West, the patron of selfies

The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.

“Some men go months without being hugged.” Ok then they should hug each other.

I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.

[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder

Got a bottle of Omega 3 thrown at me.. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil🙃

Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha

Staring out into the horizon..

Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic

[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]

Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da

[Getting phone call from the School]

Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.

M: Did he win?

T: That’s not really relevant.

M: It is to the winner.

The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500

I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses

found a blob of cinnamon roll icing in my hair. anyway, thought of you

The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.