The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
You Might Also Like
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
I’m about to risk it all
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
Me: “At last, sunny weather! Time to go outside and develop a healthy glow!”
Pollen: “I’m going to make you look like you’ve been pepper sprayed”
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
Person: What’s your handicap?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t golf.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice