The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
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[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
Watching the Hunger Games with my 9yo and she says, “Why can’t they just move to Canada where it’s peaceful?”
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
I camp so other people don’t have to.
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
A bridesmaid, but to carry the end of my CVS receipt.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Couldn’t untangle my Christmas lights this year.
So I plugged them in and threw them out in the front yard. Christmas tumbleweed and done.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
“Its swimsuit season” I whisper, eating another swimsuit
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Everyone says “Do what makes you happy”, until you push them down the stairs.
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!