The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
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“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
Australia just passed the “Right to Disconnect” law which allows workers to ignore their bosses outside working hours so looks like I’m moving to Sydney.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
Heard this in a movie…
What do you call a banana eating another banana? Cannibananalism. 😂
I have a PhD in minding my own business. I’m an uninterestedologist.
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”