The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.

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My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.


Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band

Her: N*SYNC?

Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator


*crowd in 1889 screaming because I appeared out of thin air and shot a baby* that was Baby Hitler…everyone calm down that was Baby Hitler


Elon Musk: *launches car into space*

Me: why don’t you do something for economically poor class

Elon Musk: *launches bicycle into space*


Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.


Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea


*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course


All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus


That awkward moment when the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow…