The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
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I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher