THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
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Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
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{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
B
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon