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[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
if i honk at this person maybe it will make them a better person
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
who will stop them
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
murder is like cilantro. you either love it or it tastes like soap.
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
👮♂️New comic: Good Cop, Bad Cop👮♂️
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?