The news in a nutshell.
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Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
me: i made my first million by the age of 21
her: wow, a million dollars?!
me: no, mistakes
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
I have so many questions.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.