The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
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*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked