The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
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*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
There’s something so spiritual about new life. When I look my baby nephew in the eyes I can’t stop thinking about how amazing it will be to connect with him on LinkedIn.
My Target bill was $23 this month. Either I am really getting my shit together or someone at corporate has made a terrible mistake.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
Remember, when a package says “sharing size”, that’s just a guideline. They have no enforcement mechanism
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
Covid like
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
You watch one pimple popping video, and suddenly the algorithm thinks you have a new hobby.
Cat 1: hey let’s have a big fight and trash this place
Cat 2: ok, but let’s wait till the human is in a deep sleep for maximum effect
Cat 1: smart. imma barf between the couch cushions while he’s brushing his teeth tho
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks