The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
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If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
when someone compliments me
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
figuring out my emotional availability:
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
“You block people over politics?” I’ll block people if they say something too mean about a Muppet
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*