The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
You Might Also Like
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
I wish I was as confident as my 15 yo who says he showered even though he smells like onions and rotten taco bell.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Asking the real questions!
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey