Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago

If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old

911: 911

me: I think my smoke detector is broken

911: is there smoke?

me: how would I know?

911:

me: 911 how would I know?

[sees friend at the store]

“Hi”

Hey

“Where’s your better half?”

The PS4’s at home

“No I mean-”

Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.

This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.

I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday

went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …

4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this

“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes

What was the main bloke called in Harry Potter

Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.

my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents

While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view

i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”

I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.

I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:

Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.

And then he walked away like it was completely normal.

Getting depressed while you paddle a tiny boat is called cryaking.

[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?

[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?

gandalf:

jesus:

gandalf:

jesus: lol, I just realized after I died and came back people started saying I was white too

gandalf: we don—we don’t have to bond over stuff

The Birdles

My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business

Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.

I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.

This Halloween take a moment to remember the time Scott Kelly smuggled a gorilla suit to the ISS to scare the shit out of his fellow astronauts.

Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.

Inventor of sparkling water: Hear me out; water, but it hurts.

Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?

Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!

Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here

You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.

*lying in bed*

*drops chip down cleavage*

*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it

*also, mmmmm, breakfast*