Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar

“Get over yourself.”

*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog

Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks

Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’

Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’

Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping

Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house

Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse

I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks

my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”

5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.

Me: Yup, that’s right.

5: And my brother will be 9.

Me: Good job.

5: And you’ll be fort-

Me: That’s enough math for now.

My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.

If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.

Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300

Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.

Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces

When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.

I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.

The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.

-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive

The 4 stages after getting dumped…

1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.

I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.

WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”

ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”

I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat

[at the opera]

Date: this is going on forever

Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing

I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”

My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”

You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.

I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.

Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???

They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update

Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”

I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.

Me: I miss baseball

Umpire: Strike one!