The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
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I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
incredible google review i just found
Industry heads warn the cost of airfare will continue to rise, at least if passengers keep whining about things like “doors falling off” and “having their luggage.”
For the first half of my life, I thought you could only poop at home. Now I know you can poop anywhere
– my 5yo, unprompted
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..