Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Roses are pink
Violets are red
Get on your knees
And do what I said

8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*

8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:27am: *takes a shower*

9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*

9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*

When did we get a dog?

-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target

A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds

From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”

Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?

Wife: why do you ask?

Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.

Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.

Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.

Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?

Me: I’d use the elevators

Hiring Manager:

Me: Elevators, Sir.

Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent

If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”

It means take a nap.

ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?

SUPER FAT ANT: the who?

Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.

Sincerely, spiders

I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.

Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒

You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet

At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?

Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week

If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.

“jogging gives me endorphins”

so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.

Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!

Cat: I just want to be friends.

I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars

Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.

I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.

Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…

ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.

That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants

Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M

My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?

Me: Yes!

*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*

BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry

All I’m saying is you know it’s been a successful Thanksgiving when your clothes no longer fit.

BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job

(after bedtime)

3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!

Me: go to sleep.

3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU

M: yes you can

3:NO I CAN’T

If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear