The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.![]()
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Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
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marvel comics have peaked
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COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.