Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe

Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will

How to start a diet:

1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1

It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230

[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep

There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.

I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.

the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths

Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.

I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car

People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”

Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”

People: “No, not like that.”

Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”

People: “Wait…”

Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”

[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]

me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day

I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle

Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times

There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.

Always be yourself.

Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!

Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”

Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”

The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.

To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”

Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card

before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted

I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…

Apparently this was NOT the apple watch she was expecting for her birthday

a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry

Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?

Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?

I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.

man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot

me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake

man: and her body has been stolen

me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take

man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin

me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake

Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.

Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.

*People do special things for my birthday*

Me: Oh thank God.

If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.

Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.

Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!

Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.

Both: Never again.

Repeat.