The news: Let’s ask a random idiot on the street what they think.
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I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Believing everything you read on the internet is the key
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.