The news: Let’s ask a random idiot on the street what they think.
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*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
Every time I hear a Christmas Carol, I’m picturing Jesus with that look people get when they’re waiting for you to finish singing them ‘Happy Birthday’.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears