The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
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Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
I just watched the uncut version of Scarface…….it’s called Face.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
getting older means hearing an athlete’s name you haven’t heard in a while and having to google to see if it’s still him playing or if this is his son.
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,