Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom

ah yes….my favourite videogame

Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’

Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..

Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?

HS: ..blocking the pickles.

It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney

Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?

People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.

Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed

Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.

I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective

Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio

Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.

You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.

Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for

Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station

How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you

Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?

“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”

I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.

I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.

Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?

A new study done by economists says the American dream now costs approximately 4.4 million dollars or one roll of duct tape and two to three celebrity children

Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.

“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”

WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days

“losing/taking virginity”

– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?

“sexual debut”

– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved

Christian: You need Jesus in your life

Me: But I can’t find him

Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*

911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.

I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.

It’s too bad he never woke up and chose violence. “Bob Ross, mob boss” has a nice ring to it.