The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
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tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
Damn what did I do next
The news
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
A great tip. #CakeRex
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
Lol.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*