The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
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The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
that would 100% work on me
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
Bro, you’re not allowed to have your tongue drop out of your mouth and form a stair case when you see my wife anymore
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
BRAKING NEWS!!
😂🐈⬛
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
[bedtime]
daughter: dad, i’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while i’m sleeping
me: don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first
daughter: …
me: night, sweetheart
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
“I swear to God I will turn this car around”
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
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Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.