Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.

Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’

It was to keep our furry overlords content😉

6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?

Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow

Him: (opens mouth to speak)

Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.

Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.

o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.

you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired

If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.

Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on

me: *chopping onions*

wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?

me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda

[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.

age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”

Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?

i hope this email finds you fast and furious

Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work

Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry

Me: That was fun! Fist me!

Him: What?!

Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*

Him: …..

Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.

Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.

“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”

Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes

Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?

Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction

“comparison is the thief of joy” well sure if you’re a loser

we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse

I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.

Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?

Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.

I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: yes

Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled

Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.