The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
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Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
moms in horror movies
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
5, 6, 7, 8 is the LMNOP of the numbers
look at me when i’m typing to you
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
My account is fake I’m actually your probation officer.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.