[The next day]
Andrew Ridgeley: So did she wake you up before she went went
George Michael: She woke me up before she went went
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The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]