Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

COW: Was I speeding?

COP: No

COW: Is it because I’m a c–

COP: It’s because you’re a cow.

HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home

Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you

If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did

There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”

6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.

My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.

⚰

No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.

Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?

Batman: Sidekick

Robin: Close enough

ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know

they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.

Well, this explains it:

*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*

The stun gun you tried using on me didn’t work. Why am I not shocked?

Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.

Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.

Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.

Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.

My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.

I’m not making that mistake again.

Gin: Wrong.

I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…

I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.

I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…

I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.

People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.

Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?

Batman: You’re the decoy

My nickname in high school was “who?”

“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’

Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?

Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down

Me: Why are you digging in your ear?

3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!

Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try