[The next day]
Andrew Ridgeley: So did she wake you up before she went went
George Michael: She woke me up before she went went
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My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
A little girl in my class asked me if I like her more than cupcakes and now she won’t stop crying.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.