[The next day]
Andrew Ridgeley: So did she wake you up before she went went
George Michael: She woke me up before she went went
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Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
My dream job is getting paid to dream
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
[20 minutes after it stops raining]
ME: *turns off windshield wipers*
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
The game has officially changed 😎
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.