Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills

*watches a house fall on you*

*steals your shoes*

No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.

Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.

birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here

Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..

Her: Yes I did.

Me: No you didn’t.

Her: Yes I did.

Me: Oh you’re good!

Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.

popsicle not seeing heaven 😭

I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.

It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.

mary: i can’t believe i had to give birth in a barn this sucks. at least now i can rest

three old guys: heyyyyy

little boy playing the drums: whaddup

Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.

Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.

*flashes smile*

*smile calls police*

They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.

Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks

For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.

My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.

I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.

The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”

Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.

The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.

Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.

After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.

Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon

Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?

Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!

911: Have u tried looking in her house?

Turtle: oops never mind.

i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul

Boss: Can I see you in my office?

Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try

*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*

May it please the Court.

Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits

Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….

Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.