The next James Bond should be played by a duck. But not a female duck, obviously. That would be unrealistic.
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Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
Gravestone inscription “Hey guys, I’m going to be taking a little break from social media”
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.