The next James Bond should be weird. Like he wears a train conductor’s hat and he’s afraid of balloons
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*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
It’s not so much that I have no idea what the kids are saying these days, it’s that when I look up the slang I still have no idea what it means
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
Get kittens they said… at least then you’ll know why you’re wide awake at 3am every night
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
According to my chocolate advent calendar tomorrow is Christmas
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.