The next James Bond should be weird. Like he wears a train conductor’s hat and he’s afraid of balloons
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Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
New comic up. “Ransom”
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.