Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s

I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips

I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.

No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory

*looks hard af*

*pukes polaroid*

OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.

I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭

My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?

Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!

Wedding planning is organized crime.

if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.

Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.

Wife: The same four kids?

Me: I’ll be right back.

I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.

Betrayed.

He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.

The three genders.

I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.

There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…

..Frying the bacon

Me: *grimaces, accepts call*

Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!

Me: Meow

I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.

“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”

“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”

As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.

Tried escaping the morning crazies by drinking my coffee on the patio but it turns out the morning crazies have legs and arms and they just followed me out there

I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.

Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.

After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom

Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt

my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon

person walking past me: (politely) good morning

me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel

How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?

Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.

TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir

Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home