The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
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How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
One building was torn down by a wrecking ball, another building was bulldozed. They were razed differently.
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
The fastest mammal on earth is me when I’m retweeting your typo tweet.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter