The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
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10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
Every damn time
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?