The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
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I call my toilet “Jim”…
It sounds much better when I announce “I’m going to the Jim” every morning.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
consequences, the bane of my existence
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
It is my birthday. 🥳
If you’re American, please vote
If you’re not American, marry me
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.