The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
You Might Also Like
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
So many pants.
So little yoga.
Sucks in stomach. Another chin pops out.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.