The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
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Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
like last october and the one before that gotta go to human resources for talking in dracula
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
My daughter sat beside me on the bed with a granola bar, so I’m gonna get back at her by eating powdered donuts in hers.
One of those leashes parents use for kids but it’s to make sure my friend doesn’t leave me alone at a party
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
They should put cute little messages on viagra pills like they do heart candy’s saying “keep it up.”
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
Oh thanks BBC.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.