Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only thing stopping cheesecake from being a breakfast food is you.

I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.

[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese

I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*

Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.

shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once

I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”

Sir. 😑

I didn’t know they can drive…

My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.

“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”

“is there a difference?”

“na”

Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress

Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:

Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.

Thanks,
The rest of us

officer: give me your name

me: then what am I going to use?

I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.

Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.

Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!

when revenge coincides with naptime

[making out on couch]

me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉

date: yes 😉

me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand

[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]

me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked

Give a baker flours on your first date.

Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?

4-year-old: You!

Me: Who’s your favorite dad?

4: Mom.

So close.

On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers

there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.

Some are mad Trump won.

Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.

I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.

Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home

“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”

I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here

My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!

My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks

Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.

I sexually identify as a hand grenade

“I’m thinking about having a baby.”

“You should get a dog.”

“As a sort of test?”

“No. You should just get a dog.”