The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
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my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
So sick of all these stupid rules
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking