Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.

I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.

I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.

*Licking my plate clean

Girlfriend)You still have to wash that

Me)This house is a prison

My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??

Nonwriters: How do you write a book?

Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again

Nonwriters: Then you’re done?

Writers: Then you start the next paragraph

Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.

FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?

ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No

driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person

He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.

~Dogs.

[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.

ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935

“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.

tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness

me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this

So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.

It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”

Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.

[ first date ]

her: i want a partner that can open my heart

me: well i am a surge-

her: and never do anything to shock me

me: protector

fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”

I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.

wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*

I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.

Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.

New Tinder profile.

🪶

At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter

No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.

I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.

Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah

You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.