The next person to ring the doorbell on a Saturday trying to sell something will be subjected to my 6yo’s full lecture on lizards, and let me warn you, it’s long
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sweet dreams💖
Look at this
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
Grammar is important. It’s the difference between feeling your nuts and feeling you’re nuts
LMFAOOOO
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
road rage
When someone trying to leave me
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic