Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I moved the karaoke machine from under my bed to the kitchen so I can sing along when cooking. It scares the dog and drives my daughter crazy so I’d say it’s a big hit.

Me: What’s your favorite fruit?

Son #2: Tacos.

Me: No, I said fruit.

S2: You have my answer.

If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.

Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.

Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.

“You make me so wet.”

– me, to my shower.

anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?

Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious

I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am

Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?

Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*

I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.

Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.

But I stand by my advice.

The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.

He scratches his head… I scratch mine.

He touches his chest… I touch mine.

He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.

I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.

Radiohead fans, this is for you.

me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat

mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]

me: so really i did you guys a favor

Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.

Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.

Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*

Vampire: Thank you.

At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?

Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.

Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOA

Hold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying

I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?

My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.

I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.

Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.

THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?

THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?

THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.

can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’

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