The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
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I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
I don’t know why these ingrates at the corn maze are so upset. All I did was lead them to safety with these two hands and a machete.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
If we aint learned anything else this month. If there’s someone special in your life, tell them you love them, because you never know when the feds are going to indict them and execute a search warrant on their home.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
I need to buy new window blinds, but I hate dealing with shady salespeople.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards