The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
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I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
if you think my grammar is bad you should’ve met my grampar.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
Kid: I’m starting to think you love your garden more than us.
Me: Wow. That’s. Just wow. I mean… *glances back at plants to make sure they’re not listening*
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Me, abandoning the call I’m making after two unanswered rings: “well, I tried my absolute best to reach them, not sure what more I could’ve done”
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?