The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
You Might Also Like
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
[getting kidnapped] grab my heating pad too pls
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
“No way.” -Jose
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
My husband asked me offhandedly if he had any annoying habits then got fucking offended during the PowerPoint presentation
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i