@savvystrider

The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.

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@T_Bonezzz

My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world. So i’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave

@ericonederful

If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.

@AmishPornStar1

Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…

But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”

@iwearaonesie

[commercial for kids]

woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!

narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?

@EricGoldie

Does Adam Sandler know that he’s allowed to turn down movie roles?

@JAdomian

Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.

@JustLikeMikee

Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent

@1Happytwit

Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.

@rcromwell4

Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.