The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.

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My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world. So i’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave


If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.


Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…

But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”


[commercial for kids]

woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!

narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?


Does Adam Sandler know that he’s allowed to turn down movie roles?


Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.


Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent


Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.


Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.