The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
You Might Also Like
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”