@savvystrider

The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.

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@pahtch

all these ghosts using slowed down nursery rhymes to haunt people like jesus christ for once i wish some dead person would choose gasolina by daddy yankee i mean youre already dead. bend the rules. pick a bop.

@Mechaniz10

Finishing up my kite with a key attached.

No this quarantine isn’t bother me.

I’m good!

@msevilroyslade

Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.

@neiltyson

Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.

@dafloydsta

*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?

@Rollinintheseat

Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.

@LittleMissAngr1

I sexually identify as the foot of Cinderella’s stepsister when it is being crammed into the glass slipper.

@sbellelauren

whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work

@kharizzmaaa

Happy Mother’s Day to the woman who told me “I could fall out at home” when I asked for Fall Out Boy tickets at age 14

@jnapsalot

You never realize how a dirty a song is until you hear a 3 year old sing it.