@savvystrider

The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.

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@rolldiggity

I bet chickens have mixed emotions about Thanksgiving, because they’re safe for a day, but why aren’t they good enough for a holiday meal?

@HomeWithPeanut

70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”

@Rollinintheseat

Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.

@Kevaclysm

New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you

@kelkulus

Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.

@trojansauce

[aquaman origin story]

*falls out of boat*
help! im drowni- oh… no, im good, actually

@Holy_Mowgli

baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold

mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear

@AbbieEvansXO

THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood

THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…

THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing