The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.

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I bet chickens have mixed emotions about Thanksgiving, because they’re safe for a day, but why aren’t they good enough for a holiday meal?


70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”


Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.


New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you


Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.


[aquaman origin story]

*falls out of boat*
help! im drowni- oh… no, im good, actually


baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold

mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear


THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood

THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…

THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing