The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
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First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.