Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-

Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]

Shania Twain: oh shit wow

I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.

venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason

waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”

A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.

Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.

Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.

I call this the Heineken maneuver.

Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.

Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.

My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…

Weird.

Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped

Laundry:

Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days

i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it

People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout

Two types of dogs.

If I die my ghost better come back and do some laundry so I have some clean sheets to wear

Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this

If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.

🤣

*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*

hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me

My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”

All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.

There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but I bet you’ve never asked yourself why we never saw them all together in the same place

That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.

I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.

That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.

Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.

A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally

If there’s ever an alien invasion I hope it doesn’t start while I’m asleep. I hate being woken up before my alarm.

Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??

Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy