Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*

me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?

me, flirting: did it hurt?

her: what

me: when you fell from the ugly tree and landed on your face

me: my father shall hear of this

them: is he powerful and wealthy?

me: no we’re just close

*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*

Email: Would you like to have some fun?

Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*

I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet

what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”

Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?

Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.

You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??

Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?

ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or

“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.

“…nevermind.”

My husband suggested that we go to the pub separately to relive our first date.
So he walked over to me at the bar and asked “Hi gorgeous, can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “Get lost, I’m not falling for that again”.

I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.

Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.

What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?

Judge: I find you guilty of all charges

Neutron: This is some bullshit

I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter

*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*

[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.

I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.

I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.

I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.

SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*

If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.

Friend: Wanna go out tonight?

Me: You know the rule, man. I need to be notified at least 3 months in advance.

I believe the children are our future.

But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.

Norman Bates’ favorite reference book was the enpsychopedia.

[getting shot out of a cannon] *to my date* I’ll call you when I land, Denise.

Bagged lunch circa 1984

-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”

So apparently if they ask “do you trust me?”…. replying with “well I trust you to be you” is the incorrect response