The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
You Might Also Like
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Why procrastinate now when you can always procrastinate later?
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
(my date twirling her hair)
“Can I use your bathroom quick?”
Absolutely, gorgeous.
*hears the longest fart ever as she closes the door*
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
So in Ohio if they say ‘it’s raining cats and dogs’ does that mean they’re having an all-you-can-eat buffet?
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day