Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security

Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON

Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!

If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.

i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair

Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?

The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.

*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*

Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.

Called it

accountant: do you have any dependents?

me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is antonym

ME: synonym

JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example

ME: *lips on mic* i-t

Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver

Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud

Michael Jackson didn’t have his first hit single until he was 11.

Eddie Murphy didn’t get cast on SNL until was 19.

Steven Spielberg didn’t make Jaws until he was 27.

You’re never too old to follow your dreams.

I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.

Most Common Source of Electricity

I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.

Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.

The best part about your kids being sick is you get to see exactly how shitty you’re going to feel in 48 hours

😞

Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?

You: Wow, check out that cool dog

Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area

Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.

ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing

I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.

I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.

the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this

[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?

they split up moments later

Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.

I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:

Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.

My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow

Donkey Kong sommelier