The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
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“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
Sometimes I wish I spoke seagull. There’s a bunch of them on the roof & one of them has clearly cracked the joke of the year because the rest are all laughing their heads off
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
What did the dad reply to the mom who said “I’ve had enough, I’m selling my kid on eBay”?
“Don’t be silly. You made him, so sell him on Etsy.”
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
$4 #usedbooks
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
*pronounces patio like ratio
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Never teaching my kids to “rise above.” Going to teach them to be like Kendrick Lamar. If you’re going to hate, you must commit. Employ visuals. Enlist your neighborhood. Call the NBA. Don’t stop until everyone is dancing and laughing with you
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite