Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were here

pizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less

ME: *making lightsaber noises*

COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.

Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it

Me: *slowly opens pizza box*

Alien: dude

I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.

[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk

I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband

[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready

is she “spiritual” or does she just really like rocks?

Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.

“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”

Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.

*walks in on family gathering*

I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD

I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.

She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.

A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.

He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.

Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil

If we’ve learned anything from history…

I’d be amazed.

dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly

patient: he doesn’t even know my mom

dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth

[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it

murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed

me: just changing the oil

To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.

Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go

I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.

90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.

Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*

[before sex]

her: can u put something on

me: sure

her: is that just the jeopardy theme song

me: no

her:

me: it’s the whole episode

My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING

Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?

took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”