Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

godzilla: *godzilla roar*

me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?

godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack

Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*

My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.

people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice

[First day as a fighter pilot]

*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*

My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.

Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect

has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question

roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”

Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’

*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*

Don’t fall for the ‘Deep-fry your money in batter’ investment scam – that’s how I frittered away all my savings.

Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh

Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.

My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.

“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.

Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.

A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.

Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.

Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.

“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”

“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”

[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.

A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.

My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.

Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.

Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.

Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.

“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”

– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out

If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can

Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?

God: yes but you don’t need to fly.

Penguin: why?

God: you already live as far south as possible.

Penguin: oh yeah!

God: and you live there all year long!

Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )

[hospital]

Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!

Nurse: you have a great attitude!

Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )

Nurse: aw : )

[funeral]

My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.