The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
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Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
set yourself free xox
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.