The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
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Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
i choose….tongue
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.