The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
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been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
Passenger Announcement: For all those going to the yodelling competition in Geneva, please go to Gate 37 and form an orderly orderly orderly queue.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
Some will get it! Hmm 🤔?¿
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
I’d be like “vote for me and i’ll remove all the calories from cheese”…. *mic drop*
Read “intermittent fasting” as “internet fasting,” and I think I may have inadvertently stumbled upon the healthiest lifestyle change ever
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
if he doesn’t like your fruit puns you need to let that mango
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
My zodiac sign is pistachio