The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
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What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
Can’t tell who liked my tweet so from here on out, I will assume every like is coming from my crush.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.