Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”

Me: “Sure I don’t.”

*cocks gun*

Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”

God making man in his image was the original selfie

The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed

Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:

-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma

Me: I’m not paranoid.

Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?

I wish I tried half as hard at anything as the cooking world does to substitute regular pizza dough with random bullshit.

If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies

u spoke cat all this time??????

I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate

I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.

Me to 7yo: Why is your sister standing in the toilet!? Who showed her that?

7yo: Not me.

Me: Good. Because if you don’t wash your feet and did something like that, they would shrivel up and fall off.

7yo: I’ll be right back. I need to…go wash something…

a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true

Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?

So does Tequila….

Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.

She’s gotten sick of pizza.

I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.

To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”

I want your life.

i’m not drinking 2% milk until we figure out what the other 98% is

wow

Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese

I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.

Jesus steals the winter solstice

The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had

doctor: your system is full of drugs

patient: you should see the other guy

doctor: what other guy

patient: you can’t see him

WHAT DO WE WANT!?

A forum for passive aggressive behavior!

WHEN do we want it?

NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.

If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper

Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.

when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.

Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb