Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.

My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”

The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!

Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?

[aliens making first contact]

Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses

[from the bottom of a lake]

I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.

Dolls on drugs

dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground

[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”

Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please

Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business

Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.

Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?

Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.

interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop

suspect: you mean bad cop?

interrogator: no

suspect: i confess.

Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.

Fact: On aircraft, pilots have different oxygen masks than you. The reason is because it’s impossible for a pilot and passenger to share one mask. Idiot.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-

officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking

Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.

Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket

Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t

I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.

You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.

My 9: what language does toast speak?

French toast.

Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.

5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?

Me: Ham? Yes

If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.

This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.

“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose