The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
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Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
In case you needed to hear it:
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
<—- homeless romantic
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Just saw a bird run across the street if you were wondering if anyone else is wasting their gifts.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman